I was struck by a line in the book Atomic Habits that I'm currently reading.
"You have the power to change your beliefs about yourself. Your identity is not set in stone. You have a choice in every moment. You can choose the identity you want to reinforce today with the habits you choose today."
The book hones in on the topic of identity as the core of habit formation. To shift from a human being to a human doing as it is our actions that define who we are and the state of our existence.
I've been reflecting deeply recently on this topic of identity and what it means to me. They say that childhood ends when one begins their search for identity in this world and I am no different in this matter. Since childhood I've tried on a very many different hats and costumes. I've walked around in shoes too big, too small, too uncomfortable and I've walked around in no shoes at all. None have ever lasted too long and in the end each costume revealed itself not to be some deep intrinsic truth about who I am at my core but a charade, a game, a character I played out until exhaustion.
But how silly is this world that this thing we call an identity, this mask, this charade, is a game of make believe we must play if we wish to move forward in life.
Once again I find myself torn in two directions on this matter. The Buddha teaches that there is no such thing as an intrinsic, eternal self. He teaches that what we call our "identity" is an illusion born from our minds ability to observe itself and the accumulation of kharma - or the resultant impacts of the choices we make. In Atomic Habits, James Clear makes a somewhat similar observation on the accumulative effects of actions or as he terms them "habits" but without the philosophical questioning on the nature of identity itself. I find interesting the convergence and divergences of modern lay "pop" psychology and the Buddha's teachings.
Whilst Clear stops short of any deeper philosophical inquiry, his advice in eminently practical for surviving the complexities of advanced modern civilisation. As someone who has not decided to renounce the lay life, I find much merit in his approach even if I have (a somewhat limited) understanding of the layers beyond this level of understanding of the human mind.
So here lies my paradox and contradiction. I must strive towards a new identity whilst maintaining the fundamental understanding that identity itself is a delusion of the mind.
Cool.
During the years I spent in the depths of great darkness in my soul, almost all notion of identity was harshly stripped away from me, leaving me feeling cold, naked and raw, exposed to the callous cruelty of world with no armour - make believe or otherwise - to protect me.
My task now is to re-build an armour, an armour that is strong and durable and true with strength enough to carry my through the sadness and pain of this world until I am strong enough in spirit to do away with defences at all. And so I must build a new identity for myself to climb into and walk around this world with. Much like building a character in an rpg. And this time I build this character with full awareness of the pretence, just as one is aware of turning on a console and booting up a well-played game. A gamer understands whilst the game is not real, there are things that must be done if one wished to clear the game successfully, to live in this world one must also select an identity and build of specific skills to gain the best chance of winning at this life. This idea may seem callous or as if it reveals that underneath it all, this game of life is meaningless but oh no, the very opposite is true. This game of life is all that matters in the universe and ones ability to win it is perhaps the closest thing to "purpose" that us meagre human doings are capable of comprehending. To win at this game of life is to remove ourselves from the endless cycle of life and the inevitable sufferings that come with it. If building a new identity is part of what is required to "win" this game then it is a matter of utmost importance and seriousness.
So now after the years trudging around the dark night of the soul and the great unravelling of identity that came with it, now I must ask myself who is it that I wish to be in this world and how I am to become a human doing the correct actions to reinforce this identity with each passing moment.
I wish to be a fully fledged Buddhist, philosopher, psychotherapist, journalist, writer, novelist, social and cultural commentator, polyglot, poet, fashionista, health and fitness expert and successful businesswoman.
I wish to be a person guided by strong morals and ethics whilst being aware of my own contradictions. I want to be dedicated to the principles of pacifism and no harm. I want to be extremely well educated and well read, deeply knowledgeable, wise and confident in my opinions. I want to use this knowledge behind for the betterment of humanity and share the principles and analysis of the world I have developed and absorbed from the world around me. I want to have the resources to be able to influence the world in a positive manner and provide direct help to those suffering when it is within my power. I want to be as fit and healthy as possible in mind, body and spirit in order to dedicate the rest of my life to spreading my ideals and making the world a better place. I want to have the disciple, energy and resilience to keep moving forward towards this goal no matter what difficulties are thrown my way.
With metta
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