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Project Rae of Sunshine

Tuesday, December 3, 2024



Since childhood, my life has been marked with the dark cloud of depression hanging over every aspect of my existence, going on to impact every corner of my life but I'm determined to see how far I can go to change all of this and create a better and brighter future for myself. I've decided to set this transformation over a period of 90 days in order to challenge myself to see just how far I can push myself to change things for the better. Over the 90 days of this challenge, I aim to work towards significant growth and transformation in the following 8 key areas of my life:

  1. Psychospiritual wellbeing
  2. Physical wellbeing
  3. Entrepreneurship 
  4. Academic goals
  5. Appearance & style
  6. Hobbies
  7. Lifestyle
  8. Finances

Psychospiritual wellbeing

This is at the very core of the entire project as it lies at the heart of my ability to endure the challenges that I'll inevitably face along the way entirely hinges on the strength and state of my mind. Attending to my psychospiritual wellbeing must therefore be my primary priority throughout the duration of the project. The actions I will take to this end are non-negotiables that must be completed on a daily (or weekly in the case of therapy) basis.

  • Be in bed at 10pm every night
  • No devices in bed (aside from sleep hypnosis videos)
  • Be out of bed at 5am every morning
  • 20 mins of Yoga upon waking up
  • 40 mins meditation
  • 1 hour of Journaling
  • Weekly therapy session
  • Weekly sangha study group/meetup
 

Physical wellbeing 

In a close second to psychospiritual, my physical wellbeing is also foundational to my ability to successfully complete the 90 days of the project. The goals in this category are:

  1. No smoking or alcohol
  2. No junk food takeaways
  3. No refined sugar or highly processed food
  4. Eat plant based whole food diet
  5. Reach 54kg (20% body fat)
  6. Consume 1500 calories per day
  7. plan & prep meals each week
  8. Cycle sync diet and exercise plan


Career & finance 

    With the two foundational aspects laid out, the next most important area I want to transform is my career and finances:

    • Launch TNs, PW, RBR & AM channels Dec 2024
    • Register SGM in Estonia 
    • New videos on TN at midday Mon-Fri (60 videos)
    • New PW videos twice per week (24 videos)
    • New RBR videos once every 2 weeks (6 videos)
    • New AM videos every month (3 total)
    • Post 7.725 videos every week
    • Post 96 videos in total across all 4 youtube channels in 90 days
    • Make 100k in revenue from ads & sponsorships


    Academic & language goals

    • Complete beginners Thai reading, writing & speaking course
    • Classical economics
    • Keynesianism 
    • Marxist & Engels
    • Simone Weil
    • Nietzsche
    • Apply for Msc in Philosophy


    Lifestyle goals

    • Keep a clean and cosy home
    • Finish decorating and setting up my flat
    • Manage personal finances
    • Make weekly food shop plans
    • Daily cleaning


    Hobbies

    • Learn basics of drawing
    • Fix camera
    • Finish a roll of film each month
    • Buy a keyboard and complete beginner piano course
    • Make vlogs/short films
    • Write poetry/short stories



    Things to plan:

    • Diet, exercise & cycle planner
    • Philosophy study plan 
    • Thai study plan
    • Business plan 
    • Work schedule
    • Build new Notion board
    • Build daily schedule 
    • Household chores schedule
    • Hobby planner
    • Financial planner
    • Sangha & retreat planning





    Health, a perspective

     Every time I'm confronted with stories of the human body's capacity for self-healing, I find myself blown away. 

    From stories of the brain rewiring itself in the aftermath of traumatic injury, to cancer survivors, recovering addicts and people who dodged a terminal diagnosis - it's clear that the current understanding contemporary Western medicine has of the human sickness and health remains severely lacking. 

    Over the past year, I've found myself fascinated by the growing wealth of research and interest in maximising human health and analysing the ways in which modern lifestyles, diets and habits are detrimental to our wellbeing. 

    Contemporary Western Medicine

    The current paradigm in medicine was born out of the Western scientific evidence-based approach to treating disease and illness. This allopathic approach is one that begins with the premise that the human body itself is defective, imperfect, and therefore subject to disease and sickness of both known and unknown causes. When sickness and disease occurs, it is resultant of the failures of the human body to to overcome aging, sickness and death. The allopathic approach counters this weakness of the human body by reifying the ingenuity of the human mind. It asserts that what cannot be overcome with the physical body can be overcome with scientific inquiry into the nature, form and impact of disease and believes that external treatments can be found to make up for the weaknesses of the human body.

    This approach to human sickness has had undeniable benefits to our collective health as a species. From the era of enlightenment until now, we have seen an explosion in the human population, with our numbers on the Earth set to reach a staggering 9 billion+ in the coming decades. We've seen infant mortality decline and even the total eradication of diseases such as smallpox which had ravaged human populations for millennia. 

    The naturopathic way

    Whilst there have been significant gains in human health from the discoveries of Western medicine, it's limitations have also become all to clear to me. First and foremost, the assumptions made are based in a claim to understand the workings of the human body which it is clear to me that Western science lacks the comprehensive understanding of the body to assert itself as an incontestable law of nature. Second, it's base assumption that human bodies are inherently flawed and must be "fixed" by external intervention is exceedingly damaging, both in the output of arguably barbaric treatments and the psychological impacts this way of thinking incurs onto humanity. 

    Naturopathy, at least in my interpretation of it which I interweave with Buddhist philosophy, begins with the premise that all created in nature exists already in perfection, and that aging, sickness and death are all essential parts of the experience of life. Illness is nothing bad, evil or wrong, it is simply a part of the condition of living in a corporal form. In this perspective, when illness occurs, there exists already in nature methods of supporting the body in healing itself. One of the major differences of this approach is the shifted focus to human health rather than human sickness and how the health of the body cannot be understood in isolation to the health of the internal spiritual world and external physical world in which the body exists as an intermediary conduit. The body itself is built in perfection with the full ability to fulfil it's function - to carry us from conception to old age and death. At the most base level, in order to complete this task, the body requires nourishment and fuel in the form of sunlight, food and drink. 

     However, the body does not exist in isolation from the internal environment (the mind) and external environment (the world) it finds itself in and therefore sickness of the body cannot be understood without considering the health of it's internal and external environment. Poor health in the internal environment, combined with factors in the external environment can lead to the poisoning of the body. For example an individual facing high levels of stress at work (sickness of the mind) finding themselves repeatedly spending hours after work in a local bar after being invited to drinks by a boss they feel they cannot say no to (sickness of the environment) may lead to repeatedly and excessive consumption of alcohol and then sickness in the body. 

    Sickness, illness and disease is something that lives alongside us - even within us - at all times, regardless of if we're aware of it or not. I've not had any major physical illness in my life thus far but I often think about the fact that almost every living human adult who has never been formally diagnosed with cancer has almost certainly had cancer cells living within their bodies at some point. We don't notice it because our bodies attack the mutated cells before they lead to further complication without us even noticing it. I wonder how many people live full lives never knowing that cancer has been living alongside them for decades undetected. Perhaps everyday our bodies fight and defeat cancer without us even realising it. If our bodies have shown themselves to be capable of staving off cancer for century or so that makes up the human lifespan at optimal health then surely the "fault" of illness lies in the internal and external factors preventing the body from being able to carry out the job it was built to do.

    A holistic and naturopathic approach to health would take all three of these factors of human wellness into account and not just at the point of sickness, but for wellness to be considered as a consistent practice integral to our daily functioning. To me, I don't see this approach from the perspective of preventing disease, but from the perspective of prioritising the wellness of our minds, bodies and external environments as a fundamental factor in living a good life. 

    As I've spent the past year or so tentatively reading and researching a variety of perspectives on the meaning of human health, I've found myself developing an understanding of what "wellness" and "health" mean to me and the path I want to pursue in order to regain it. 

    From this perspective, I'm not seeking to reverse aging, prevent disease or stop death, but to achieve as optimal conditions as possible to enhance the wellness of my mind, body and external environment. To this end, I'm interested in pursuing a 90 day challenge to see just how far I'm able to push these changes and see the results.





    Born and live and grow

    Monday, December 2, 2024

     I was struck by a line in the book Atomic Habits that I'm currently reading. 


    "You have the power to change your beliefs about yourself. Your identity is not set in stone. You have a choice in every moment. You can choose the identity you want to reinforce today with the habits you choose today."


    The book hones in on the topic of identity as the core of habit formation. To shift from a human being to a human doing as it is our actions that define who we are and the state of our existence.

    I've been reflecting deeply recently on this topic of identity and what it means to me. They say that childhood ends when one begins their search for identity in this world and I am no different in this matter. Since childhood I've tried on a very many different hats and costumes. I've walked around in shoes too big, too small, too uncomfortable and I've walked around in no shoes at all. None have ever lasted too long and in the end each costume revealed itself not to be some deep intrinsic truth about who I am at my core but a charade, a game, a character I played out until exhaustion. 

    But how silly is this world that this thing we call an identity, this mask, this charade, is a game of make believe we must play if we wish to move forward in life. 

    Once again I find myself torn in two directions on this matter. The Buddha teaches that there is no such thing as an intrinsic, eternal self. He teaches that what we call our "identity" is an illusion born from our minds ability to observe itself and the accumulation of kharma - or the resultant impacts of the choices we make. In Atomic Habits, James Clear makes a somewhat similar observation on the accumulative effects of actions or as he terms them "habits" but without the philosophical questioning on the nature of identity itself. I find interesting the convergence and divergences of modern lay "pop" psychology and the Buddha's teachings. 

    Whilst Clear stops short of any deeper philosophical inquiry, his advice in eminently practical for surviving the complexities of advanced modern civilisation. As someone who has not decided to renounce the lay life, I find much merit in his approach even if I have (a somewhat limited) understanding of the layers beyond this level of understanding of the human mind.

    So here lies my paradox and contradiction. I must strive towards a new identity whilst maintaining the fundamental understanding that identity itself is a delusion of the mind. 

    Cool.

    During the years I spent in the depths of great darkness in my soul, almost all notion of identity was harshly stripped away from me, leaving me feeling cold, naked and raw, exposed to the callous cruelty of world with no armour - make believe or otherwise - to protect me. 

    My task now is to re-build an armour, an armour that is strong and durable and true with strength enough to carry my through the sadness and pain of this world until I am strong enough in spirit to do away with defences at all. And so I must build a new identity for myself to climb into and walk around this world with. Much like building a character in an rpg. And this time I build this character with full awareness of the pretence, just as one is aware of turning on a console and booting up a well-played game. A gamer understands whilst the game is not real, there are things that must be done if one wished to clear the game successfully, to live in this world one must also select an identity and build of specific skills to gain the best chance of winning at this life. This idea may seem callous or as if it reveals that underneath it all, this game of life is meaningless but oh no, the very opposite is true. This game of life is all that matters in the universe and ones ability to win it is perhaps the closest thing to "purpose" that us meagre human doings are capable of comprehending. To win at this game of life is to remove ourselves from the endless cycle of life and the inevitable sufferings that come with it. If building a new identity is part of what is required to "win" this game then it is a matter of utmost importance and seriousness.

    So now after the years trudging around the dark night of the soul and the great unravelling of identity that came with it, now I must ask myself who is it that I wish to be in this world and how I am to become a human doing the correct actions to reinforce this identity with each passing moment.

    I wish to be a fully fledged Buddhist, philosopher, psychotherapist, journalist, writer, novelist, social and cultural commentator, polyglot, poet, fashionista, health and fitness expert and successful businesswoman.  

    I wish to be a person guided by strong morals and ethics whilst being aware of my own contradictions. I want to be dedicated to the principles of pacifism and no harm. I want to be extremely well educated and well read, deeply knowledgeable, wise and confident in my opinions. I want to use this knowledge behind for the betterment of humanity and share the principles and analysis of the world I have developed and absorbed from the world around me. I want to have the resources to be able to influence the world in a positive manner and provide direct help to those suffering when it is within my power. I want to be as fit and healthy as possible in mind, body and spirit in order to dedicate the rest of my life to spreading my ideals and making the world a better place. I want to have the disciple, energy and resilience to keep moving forward towards this goal no matter what difficulties are thrown my way. 


    With metta





    Flowers, footsteps and other impermanent things

    Thursday, April 25, 2024

    "But what does that mean--'ephemeral'?" repeated the little prince, who never in his life had let go of a question, once he had asked it. "It means, 'which is in danger of speedy disappearance" 
    - The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry 
    It's guess it's not unusual to have a favourite word. It's probably not unsual to even have a few.

    Ephemeral is one of those words that since first hearing it, it's taken up a permenant residence in my heart. It's sings of beauty tinged with sadness and joy spiked with melancholia. It reminds that whatever we think we own forever is no more than an illusion borne of our desire to hoarde precious intangible memories into physical material goods one can 'possess'. Through words, we attempt to cast our experiences into resin and collect them on our shelves, as if through retrospective exhaltation we can bring past moment back to life. 

    Anais Nin once said "we write to taste life twice" and this is a virtue I lived by throughout my younger years, yet soon I realised that each moment has so unique and complex a taste that no amount of words can ever adequately reconstruct the flavour experienced in the very moment it was first lived. We long for the restoration of the fleeting memories of joy whilst refusing to acknowledge that our words are but ghosts - hollow attempts to cast in resin a choice fragment of reality so that we may claim the un-claimable, to own a piece of the un-ownable, to have succeeded in making the ephemeral, eternal. 

    Yet, at best, our words are like footprints in the sand, destined to be blown away by impersonal desert storms as we still scream out from our souls for mercy. In desperate effort, we try again and fail again to forge blowing sand into clay so we can cling on to the form on memories once past, for footprints long ago laid. We long after the marks in the sand, well after the moment has stood up from where we lay and walked itself far into the horizon. 

    Ephemeral is one of those words that stand amongst my favourites, for how perfectly it captures the impermenance of life. This word stems from the Greek Ephḗmeros - which can be broken into two components; epi meaning 'on' and hēméra meaning 'day'. It could perhaps more literally be translated as 'on one day' or 'lasting for one day'. This more literal definition summonds to mind a particular flower which holds both the qualities of ephemeral nature and exquisitely unique beauty - the Victoria Amazonica. The Victoria Amazonica is one of the great water lilys of the Amazon rainforest - a category of eceptionally large water lilies found in the Amazon and it's surrounding permaculture - and its spell-bindingly beautiful flowers bloom briefly - no more that just a day or two. The Lily itself is famed for its huge, majestic lily pads, known to grow in a peculiar manner where the structure of the plant is capable of holding the weight of an entire adult human being on the surface of the water. A quick google search will return you with images of small children and lithe young women perched upon them as if they weighed no more than a rainforest amphibian. But for me, it is the flowers of this plant are which captured my imagination - with their brief and unusual spectacles of abundant life perfectly defining the imperfect impermenance and wonder of nature's brilliance. 

    The flowers of the Amazon lily begin as a plump, verdant bud, peeking out heavily from the water's crown. As the soft morning light hits the bud, it blooms into a cascasding symphony of delicate, white petals - their regal snowy head floating softly on the waters surface like the gentle pleats of a ballerina's tutu. Regal and pure, it holds it's head confidently atop the water, basking in the earnest heat and glow of the sun - but as the sun sets, the flower begins to change. It twists and curls in on itself - a crooked, sultry dance as it shakes off the regidity and conformity of it's daytime facade. As evening falls, the flower explodes into an awe-inspiring, majestic shade of royal magenta, petals dancing feverishly in the nocturne,desperate for the attention of none as it performs it's greatest glory to the silence of the night sky. These are flowers that reserve their greatest splendor for the darkness, basking in the soft glow of the moonlit night until that same jewel encrusted night sky bids it farewell. With the first caresses of morning sun, the flowers shrivel up in exhaustion, life-force and energy-sapped, they sink peacefully back into the dark murky depths of the water. 

    Perhaps some of us were born children of the moon lily - capable of gracefully carrying unreasonable weights upon our shoulder with grace whilst burning brightest and most furiously in the solitary night. In the forebaring of that unimaginable pressure we expending the final sparks of our lives in a glorious show with only the moon and start to bare witness to our truth, to watch the one and final spectacular dance of our lives. And so with the stars as our bretheren and the moon our confidant, we walk forth in joyfully solemn solitude. We walk forth, no longer casting resin footprints of ghosts, but stepping out boldly to create the steps of our own story - our own journey into the welcoming night.

    Watch a timelapse of the Victoria Lily here